Panda Porn

Radio 5 Live tells me that zoos have now resorted to playing Pandas films of other Pandas 'mating' in what can only be described as Panda porn.




Now, I am not a huge fan of porn. I prefer, like George Costanza, 'glamour' material like bra catalogues, or photos of accidental nudity, like when attractive women go out in their lingerie and drop their handkerchieves, and then their bras fall off. I think of it as more realistic than mere porn.

But I started to wonder about Panda porn, specifically whether it catered for female audiences by introducing a 'realistic' storyline perhaps involving Panda role play, where Male Panda blindfolds Female Panda and excites her with a succession of bamboo shoots dipped in chocolate.

Or maybe there is a situation where Female Panda is stuck in a loveless marriage with a Panda who fails to understand her, and then they employ a fit young Panda to come and clean their pool and one thing leads to another as he cools off using the garden hose. Whilst no doubt simultaneously listening and responding to the needs of the modern-day Female Panda.

BUT, it transpires that in Panda world it is the MALES who are indifferent to the females. So panda porn is probably just a succession of Female Pandas getting off with each other in barely related situations involving uniforms.

If anyone has heard anything better than Panda Porn please alert me, because essentially my life is empty.

Evolution

How the hell does Richard Dawkins explain a tapir? If it really is related to a rhino what chance conflation of faulty DNA or process of natural selection can have led to a tapir? If animals really are just survival machines for our selfish genes, what specific environment can possibly have demanded a tapir over a rhino? Is it those thrill-seeking selfish genes we hear so much about? The ones which presumably inhabit lemmings and bungee jumpers as well?

Or maybe it's the other way around. The rhino came first, all kitted out with its long horn and it charges around intimidating things until it realises there is nothing really to intimidate as it generally just eats leaves. So then evolution realises that it has completely gone over the top, the equivalent of providing a nuclear deterrent for Andorra, and hurriedly brings out a mark 2 which is far cheaper and aimed at a completely different market - the fallen banana.







Doesn't need to bother with the big thick hide and impressive horn any more, it just fits it with a really bendy nose and hopes for the best.

Tapirs

It's not often that I think about Tapirs, and never in my entire 2 month blogging history have I written about them, so this is long overdue.

A baby tapir has been born at Edinburgh Zoo. It is hoped that this will help the tapir community as a whole as they are an endangered species due to the destruction of their environment by naughty man and his lack of consideration. When I say 'it is hoped' what I mean is 'I hope'.

Tapirs are hoofed mammals and are related to rhinos and horses. But they don't get the same publicity do they? Like the Tapir Whisperer or Spearmint Tapirs. Unfair.

Friendly: Vasan



















I read that all baby tapirs have stripes and spots. They pull food into their mouths with their flexible noses. And they love bananas.

Bananas: