Loss

I met my beautiful ex in the local pub after a gap of about a year. She's getting married.

Of course the news transports me back to the heat of the break up. The rising panic and sense of incomprehension. The tiredness. The lack of control.

Then the torture of loss sets in. Anniversaries, smells, running routes round the park, food, habits, old photos, shared jokes, shared friends, shared objects. The silence.

The feeling of sadness tonight is not even from events as such, but a kind of symbolic sadness. It's the formal passing of something; being told that it is now final, when it was final months ago. This must give a clue to the special agony of the families of missing people.

Although it still hurts, somehow I know it is natural.

In a way I am glad it hurts. I'm good at sadness. Even on the way home I was flicking through my ipod shuffle searching out the saddest songs. I settled on Always on my mind by Elvis.

I suppose at least I am living a life authentic enough to experience pain like this. At least I tried to love someone. At least I am processing these feelings, rather than trying to fight on without acknowledging them. At least I am a decent enough human being to wish her happiness. I managed to say through a cracked voice when we left that she deserved the best, and I'm glad I managed it because she does.

But I turned away back to my old life and she turned away to her new one, and that was hard. I sometimes have to fight the rising panic of feeling like everyone is making progress and I am going backwards.

I'm not sure what the future holds, but if I am happy with myself then I'm more likely to be happy with someone else. Not certain, more likely. All I can do is think about my best plan, and cling to it.

And for now the plan is to listen to Tom Mcrae.

Tonight I'll walk on water
tonight I'll walk through flame
and sing it to the corner
and still the blood in your veins
til something flickers in me
I feel the motion of light
and slip into the distance
and someone slips into my life
but it ain't you
it ain't you