Bob Woolmer

Look, this is of course tragic and I can't recall anything as shocking for quite a while.

But the BBC report that the Police are quizzing Inzamam and Mushtaq Ahmed. Mushtaq, or Mushy as he is known, is a short, dumpy, rolypoly leg spinner who spends most of his time in East Sussex charming old women over their flasks of tea and home made battenbergs.

Mushy: Dumpy










The way the BBC report it implies they are suspected of doing it, and the thought of Bob Woolmer wrestling the lolopping and slothful Eeyore-like Inzy, with Mushy trying to throttle Bob's shins in the hotel room is I'm afraid ridiculous and hilarious. Is this more ironic policing?

Cricket World Cup - Hopes

What I hope will happen
1. England beat the Windies in the final with centuries from Lara and then Vaughan.
2. Australia crash out in the first round after losing to Scotland.
3. Ricky Ponting kills himself after someone points out the similarity between him and Jeanette Kranky.

Rick Ponting

Jeanette Kranky


4. Top scorer in the tournament will be Lara and Freddie.
5. England's top scorers Vaughan and Monty.
6. Matty Hayden, the committed christian, is caught in a Jamaican brothel with several aged hookers and, coincidentally, Sir Alex Ferguson is too.
Perv

Cricket World Cup - Tips

What I think will happen
1. Australia will probably win the shagging World Cup because they're a bunch of tossers whose only meaning in life is to win at sport.
2. They'll beat India in the final.
England will crash out in the Super 8s because as a nation we don't care enough.
3. Australia will be beaten by Sri Lanka in a surprise result in the Super 8s but still qualify due to some absurd stroke of luck.
4. The top run scorers in the tournament will be Dravid and Mike Hussey.
5. England's highest run scorer will be Bell. Highest wicket taker (and this is where the problem is) perhaps Freddie.
6. Fred will have an awful time with the bat, will probably injure his sodding ankle again and I'll fall under a tube at Hammersmith one rainy May evening and will be allocated a chirpy Australian carer for the rest of my life by Tower Hamlets council.

Cricket World Cup

The cricket world cup these days is just like - dare I say it - American Idol, with all the weirdness up front followed by about 25 weeks of the serious business. And I am not sure which bit is more entertaining, after all today we got to meet Dwayne Leverock - a Bermudan prison van driver with a lovely big smile and an even lovelier and bigger wobbly belly - reduce England to 132-5. Click the link. He is magnificent.

I bloody love things like this and I wish I was there. 4 years ago I was, which is a bit depressing. I got hammered with the Ginger Giant, Finch, Lovatt and a load of Dutchmen when England played Holland, around this time. Somehow I lost my trousers on the roof of a pub and I ended up cavorting in the Durban sea like a really confused dolphin. I think I even rang my girlfriend at the time to tell her all this as it was happening and put her onto a few of the locals. Mariko, I am sorry.

4 years ago Kenya got to the sodding semi finals and Ravi Shah - who I captained at University - was in their team. This made me feel like a loser, and I wish now I had decamped to Bermuda to try and bowl spin with Dwayne Leverock, and perhaps drive a prison van in between times.

I've been listening to some of the Bermudans speak today. None of them appear to have executive stress. All of them are softly spoken and quick to laugh. If I leave now I might be able to make 2011.

Next time: my tips for the tournament, so in the months and years to come we can all laugh at my total lack of skill and judgment.