Panda Porn

Radio 5 Live tells me that zoos have now resorted to playing Pandas films of other Pandas 'mating' in what can only be described as Panda porn.




Now, I am not a huge fan of porn. I prefer, like George Costanza, 'glamour' material like bra catalogues, or photos of accidental nudity, like when attractive women go out in their lingerie and drop their handkerchieves, and then their bras fall off. I think of it as more realistic than mere porn.

But I started to wonder about Panda porn, specifically whether it catered for female audiences by introducing a 'realistic' storyline perhaps involving Panda role play, where Male Panda blindfolds Female Panda and excites her with a succession of bamboo shoots dipped in chocolate.

Or maybe there is a situation where Female Panda is stuck in a loveless marriage with a Panda who fails to understand her, and then they employ a fit young Panda to come and clean their pool and one thing leads to another as he cools off using the garden hose. Whilst no doubt simultaneously listening and responding to the needs of the modern-day Female Panda.

BUT, it transpires that in Panda world it is the MALES who are indifferent to the females. So panda porn is probably just a succession of Female Pandas getting off with each other in barely related situations involving uniforms.

If anyone has heard anything better than Panda Porn please alert me, because essentially my life is empty.