Bad waxworks

I don't think I've ever seen anything quite as brilliant as these astonishingly lifelike waxworks. Is it even worthwhile asking who they are?






Princess Diana, Prince Charles
Tom Jones and Shirely Bassey
Richard Burton and Diana Dors (obviously!)

I am who I am

People talk a lot these days about keeping it real. Being true to yourself. People talk about wanting other people to like you for who you are. Women especially always say how they want a man to love the 'real' them.

I've worked out I'm the opposite.

I just want people to like me for who I pretend to be.

Observations

1. I noticed the first murmurings of disapproval from people after not voting yesterday. First time in my life. Is it because I'm old and you are too? Will be interesting to see turnout figures.
2. But do we really need more elected politicians? Does anyone actually know how power for council / local authority / regional assemblies / Mayors / MPs / MEPs breaks down?
3. Does anyone care?
4. I would love to know how the greatest city in the world ended up with a choice between a reformed Trotskyite pseudo revolutionary crony-favouring lizard and an irrelevant Toff.
5. I still don't trust David Cameron.
6. Gordon Brown looks increasingly like a a plastic head on a stick.
7. The weather is shit. Secretly I'm glad.
8. The BBC News really does look like Brass Eye these days. ITV news has done so since before Brass Eye.
9. The Apprentice editors are now looking like bigger idiots than those on the show, and that's saying something after that little toerag Kevin in the week. Their lack of nuance, and faith in our ability to detect subtlety is surely plumbing new depths. Please, just show us what happened.
10. Toe rag. One word? What is a toe rag? Toe rag. It's a rag specifically for toes.
11. Peep Show is back. Best Britsh comedy since Spaced.
12. I like you, and ft you can't handle me liking you, you can just fuck off.

The Curse of Emoticons

It seems strange that people allow other people to get away with emoticons. Emoticons are fine for anyone under the age of about 25. Until that age, the cost of someone mistaking something you write (e.g. taking it seriously if it's a joke and vice versa) is perhaps too high. Your social standing at that age is crucial, so I can understand it to an extent. Second, your writing skills are probably not fully formed so once again it is a little more permissible. But after the age of 30? It's worse than grammatical errors.

But everywhere I see it. From women and men, irrespective of age. It combines with this trend too, which is worrying.

Those who defend emoticons often say that it helps us understand what the writer is trying to convey. Well that's great, but we seemed to manage pretty well without them before this wretched epidemic. Shakespeare didn't help his actors by writing:

All? What, all my pretty chickens and their dam At one fell swoop? :(

Jane Austen didn't write:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife ;)

No. Writers relied on their own skill and the intelligence of the reader to deduce their own meaning from what was written. In Shakespeare's case, this has led to glorious reinterpretation throughout the ages and a deepening of understanding of what it is to be human.

Emoticons are a safety barrier for toddlers, designed for those who can't write properly or don't trust the intelligence of their readers. Give power back to the reader and to the written word. Cast them off, and bravely step back into the future.

Do I shop well?

Due to the interest in the items in my trolley, here is the full list of purchases for tomorrow's delivery. How do these rate in terms of lifestyle choices and value for money? I'd be interested to know.

Products you've ordered

Cupboard
1 Bleach Waitrose £0.72
2 Bold Bold Spa Minerals Liquid Bottle £4.53
1 Bonne Maman Berries & Cherries Conserve £1.75
2 Bottlegreen Lemongrass with Ginger Cordial £3.31
1 Calgon Express Ball Tablets £6.99
2 Colgate Total Advanced Fresh Toothpaste £3.22
1 Courgettes Waitrose £1.09
1 Denbies Surrey Gold £5.49
1 Forest Feast Dried Berries & Cherries £2.69
1 Green Giant Sweetcorn Niblets £0.64
1 Kellogg's All-Bran £0.99
2 Loyd Grossman Tomato & Chargrilled Vegetable Sauce £3.48
2 Loyd Grossman Tomato & Chilli Pasta Sauce £3.48
1 Mixed Peppers Waitrose £1.38
1 Phillips Classictone White Round Lustres 40W SES £2.69
1 Reduced Sugar Blackcurrant Jam Waitrose £1.19
2 Right Guard Time Released Anti Perspirant Original £4.78
1 Seeds of Change Organic Garlic&Chilli Pasta Sauce £1.78
2 Ultra Soft Toilet Tissue White Waitrose £5.50

Fridge
1 Activia Cherry Fat Free Yogurt £1.57
3 Activia Fibre Kiwi £4.00
3 Activia Raspberry Yoghurt £4.00
2 Broccoli Waitrose £2.78
1 Bunch of Salad Onions Waitrose £0.59
2 Cauliflower & Broccoli Florets Waitrose £2.08
1 Cucumber Waitrose £0.69
3 Cup Mushrooms Waitrose £2.37
1 Flora Pro-Activ Spread £3.99
1 Spinach Waitrose £1.09
6 Vegetable Curry Waitrose £14.44

Freezer
4 Perfectly Balanced Tropical Sticks Waitrose £8.60

For all those with special dietary requirements

You'll be pleased to know that tasty Ocado fuses now come free rom Gluten, egg, wheat, milk / lactose, nuts and yeast. Another load off your mind.

Attention parents

FYI




No need to thank me.

Pewter says what now?

So. My lovely brand new Toshiba laptop which I spilt hot tea on in its first week but is now fine - just needed to dry out like som sort of sordid crack addict - came with some pre-loaded Microsoft software.

Now, this is different form what I've used before, cos when I do Word and Excel it's all different menus and stuff. I am pretty sure it isn't Vista, but how do I find out what it is?

And, whilst you're at it, how do I get myself some of this so-called 'software' and what type should I get?

Views of Christmas 2007

A lovely Danish forest
















Magnificent London - Tower Bridge
















Pretty Crimbo lights at Sloane Square
















Home - Liverpool - Georgian splendour with earthy pragmatism and liberal helpings of genius. And some cars.
















Heaven - Anfield - same thing
















My Gran - Xmas Day - WHATEVVA

Thank you letters

Do any of today's ungrateful little shits say thank you any more? None of my little cousins do, the turds. Does anyone?

An article in yesterday's Times suggests that some do, though it is a struggle. I nearly peed my pants when the author persuaded her son to write his laborious thanks and gave him a formula to follow: “Thank you very much for the (blank). I like it very much.”

His aunt reported back that his card to her read, “Thank you very much for the £10. I like it very much.”

Christmas 2007

So, where have we got to? What is the world like this Christmas? In Britain it depends on what sort of mood you're in. I could easily argue that this nation has never had it so good. Decades of continuous growth. Rich. Free. Diverse. Meritocratic as never before.

Yet at the same time, I do sense a growing sense of unease at our health system, the way the major government departments are run, the sense of lawlessness despite falling crime. We are increasingly unequal. Are we happy? Not if the collective self loathing that is celebrity culture is anything to go by.

Maybe this confusion is just my own experience writ large. I found no meaning in my highly paid, secure comfortable job, yet the challenge of doing something I'll be proud of leaves me prone to depression and isolation.

The best conclusion I can reach for myself is that I am at least trying to do something different. It feels like a brave decision. Psychology shows that people don't regret brave decisions, but I'm not sure in my case.

Life's so complicated sometimes that the best conclusion is that if you're really thinking about your life and doing your best to reach your carefully selected goals then that's all you can do. Finally, I suppose I can say I am.

Are you?

When we shape shirts

What I want to know about the magnificent advert below, is whether it is one of a series. I want to know if they "think of guys like Bob, Paul and Steve" when they are doing other things too; perhaps when they are shaping hedges, doing the washing up or maybe soaping themselves down in the tub.



I know I will from now on.

Thought for the day

What if the hokey cokey IS what it's all about?

I know...

Fancy stress

Another matter of State: I am due to attend the Christmas party of a company I may well work for next year. The party is fancy dress, in the theme of James Bond.

Now, I don't know much about Bond but I do know that going in black tie is pathetic. When I am 80 years old I will not have wanted me to have gone in black tie so that's that. The question is what would I have wanted me to have done?

Bear in mind I will know only one other person and will be mingling with people (many of whom are international sports stars) who may shortly be interviewing / managing me.

I am thinking of going in a full wetsuit with flippers, but did Bond ever wear one?








Any other ideas? And does anyone have a wetsuit?

A post mainly about fingers and toes

I am proud of my feet and toes. There, I've said it. They never smell, they are in perfect order (as in the big one is biggest - no coup d'etoe for ME), and someone once told me I had very high arches. I could have been a foot or toe model I expect.

But I am ashamed of my fingers. They have all been broken at least once, and one of them I didn't even bother to fix and now it's bent. They are all fat and stubby like chipolatas. But godammit, where would I be without them? Eh? I'd have to get an enormous laptop with huge keys so I could type with my elbows, that's where. Or get one of those voice synthesisers like Prof. Hawking. Not my style. I'd want one with the voice of Sid James or Keith Chegwin, but Texas Instruments don't do them.

In honour of my sausage fingers, here is a list of my favourites, in order:

1. Index
2. Middle
3. Little
4. Thumb
5. That other one