Last 10

Now they sprinkle in the boys, like showering pellets of sheep shit onto a dodgy pizza. The boys offer us some lad who appears to consist solely of a large set of teeth, an idiot in a grey suit and a fatty who looks like Dougal from Magic Roundabout if he really let himself go.


This week Melinda was early, which I feel is all wrong. I felt like I was being rushed straight to the sex, when I needed some candles, some soft music, some petals on my pillow. Where's the romance? The anticipation? What happened to the old-fashioned woo? I felt a bit used afterwards, especially when Dougal came on.

Then came some bird who sat on a stool, forgot her words but who I'd definitely like to take out to tea, especially if she promised never to sing. And then a succession of short boys doing weak impressions of Timberlake.

Then Lakisha looking luscious in a sort of sugary white wedding dress. I just want to be hugged against her ample breasts, is that so much to ask? But I know she'd take no nonsense, and give me one of those side-to-side head movements if I tried anything on, and probably a really cutting put down about the size of my manhood.

I still can't decide between Lakisha and Melinda, but for now it's OK, I can have them both. But time is running out, and in the end I believe in monogamy.