Friday, 29 June 2007


I tell you what makes me angry - and I am aware I am going to sound like everyone's Dad here but I don't care - this fashion for 'torture porn' films. I'm talking about Captivity and Hostel and Saw.

No, I haven't seen any of them except Saw 1, but I've read the reviews, and I know enough. Tarantino is no genius, he is a sad pathetic little prick who deserves nothing but contempt for his nasty attempt to introduce cartoon violence - or ironic or satirical vioence or whatever bollocks he talks about - into our lives. I hate him.

And I dislike even talking about them because that is probably what the makers want or something. But how can the people who make these things possibly justify their sad and pathetic little lives to themselves?

They may argue that if the public demand it, then someone will produce it. Well, that's bollocks. The public would bring back - and watch - public hangings but that doesn't mean demand should be satisfied. I can't believe I'm saying this, but we should be braver about censorship.

I suppose you could also argue that it's just imaginary - just some harmless fun. Well, I think it devalues our whole culture, it pollutes people's minds and it encourages more violence. I can't prove it, but I know I'm right.

I only hope that those people who make this junk are regularly haunted by doubts that maybe, just maybe, they are not creative but as worthless as the lowest form of violent criminal in society. GRRRRRRRRRR.

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Running Posture

I've been taking proper, structured running coaching - almost as though I'm Paula Radcliffe! Next I'll be doing big poos in the middle of Victoria Park!

But whereas Paula just has that rubbish husband, I have TWO coaches. One deals with running technique, goal setting, stretching, strength and conditioning. The other deals with posture.

It has been fascinating. And incredibly tiring. In fact this week I am totally wiped out. The posture stuff was remarkable - it seems I slouch forward like a monkey grabbing bananas through a cage. Unsurprising to a desk worker, but it translates into my running slightly, which places greater strain on the achilles, which is a bit of an achilles heel.

But I am beeinning to feel a bit different when running. I have a mental checklist which I run through to check my technique. I reach the 'zone' quicker. I feel pleased with myself, smug even. The local hoodies see me and pay respec' to a true stylist.

But I'm not really doing this for me. Well - I am - but this is all going to help other people Bloom...


I am going to start try this as my new greeting at work. Especially with the Accounts team. Those guys rock.

Morning, Bernard!

Saturday, 23 June 2007


Just when you thought you couldn't get enough rubbish in your life, I am starting a new blog.

This one will carry on, like a senile old man dressed only in a monocle asking when it's time to go to the Zoo. I think of this blog as a sort of shrine to vacuity, an articulation of nothing in particular, so it must continue.

And anyway, as The Streets once said, "it's good to talk about the shit in me 'ead".

The new one will deal with my developing interests in psychology, 'meaning', careers, sometimes running, stuff that I'm reading, necrophilia etc.

Not necrophilia. That was one of my jokes.

It was Tim who first gave me this idea - he has his own blog and also one which covers his interest in brainy web development stuff. I'd link it but I can't find it. I think it's called alphalytics. I never really understood blogs until I started reading about them, reading Tim's blog, and gapingvoid too and speaking to people like Dan and Twellve.

I don't want to have any links between the new blog and this, because I want to be unfettered, almost like those days where I forget my underwear on purpose. So, if by some miracle you're interested, get in touch and I'll send you a link.

Sometimes when I think of you I imagine us sharing a dirty bath together, like we had to in the summer of 1976.

What a week....

Unbelievably busy. Busy at work, and plans really moving on outside of work too. Have been doing all sorts of interesting things, but none more important that this evening looking after Ziggy the cat, whose owners are away.

So, it's pretty much a lads' evening. Cracked open a couple of quiet ones, Ziggy suggested a curry but I said that was non-GI and I think he understood. So he had the pellets and I had a ready meal. We'll probably shoot some pool later knowing us, probably pull as well - Ziggy has a way with da ladeez. Though he does now appear to be asleep on the sheets I washed today.

Sometimes I wonder if he realises how much effort goes into this place looking nice for when he gets home.

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Two dirty little secrets

I love this - 'chavtronica' NME calls it.

And I'm watching 'What about Brian' again. I'M TIRED OK?

Monday, 18 June 2007

Faking It

Ever doubted you can do something? Ever been so daunted by a challenge you don't take it on and make excuses instead? I do this ALL THE BLOODY TIME.

Faking It is back on some random cable channel. I haven't seen my one since it was on Channel 4, but I watched a couple of the other episodes and they reminded me of what a brilliant programme it is, and why I went on it in the first place.

I watched the polo one. This guy went from being an unmotivated bicycle courier from Manchester, all piercings and ambivalence, who spent his time on his bike and in the pub, to being a polo player.

The premise is you get 4 weeks to go from your current life to a polar opposite, and then pass yourself off as an expert in front of experts. Anyway, this guy, Malcolm, had to not only get on a horse for the first time and ride it, but learn to hit the ball, talk like a toff at a dinner party and then compete with others in a competitive polo match.

But he did it. In 4 weeks, he passed himself off as a polo player compared with 3 other players who'd been doing it for their whole lives.

It just shows what some motivation, some focus, some attention and a goal can do.

Malcolm looked astonished when he succeeded. And do you know what else? Happy.

At the end, as the sun came down over the polo field behind him, he said: "If I can do this in a month, it means I can do almost anything I put my mind to".


Still doubt yourself?

Sunday, 17 June 2007


As Aguilera once (nearly) said: My mind was saying 'let's go', but my legs were saying no.

Next time.

My new romance

Played cricket yesterday and today I can hardly move. Still, I must get going because in about an hour my new trainers are picking me up! I'm very excited. I think they're taking me on a 10km run, but I don't know for sure.

I must admit I do really like them. Yes, they are a bit shiny and flash but I think they like me too. Other runners are so jealous when they see me out with them, but what can I do?

I know I must try not to get carried away, but when I'm with them, everything seems to go so fast. I really want to try and do a sub 40 minute 10km, but should I do try this so early? I mean I hardly know them! I know I should really wait a while...but they just say to me 'why wait?' Oh, sweet temptation.

News from my date to follow.

Great marketing...but ouch

Had a cunning piece of marketing delivered today. It read:

"Two years ago you were looking forward to going to the USA"!

with a big picture of the Statue of Liberty and then two people in a convertible laughing in that manic holiday 'we don't even need to wear seatbelts and I'm probably not even wearing underwear!' kind of way.

And it really did give me the pang of jealousy for the me of two years ago. That holiday was just so brilliant. But, of course, that holiday was shared with A.

Savouring events - present and past - is one of the secret tricks of happiness. We all love nostalgia, and those Proustian moments of being transported back to the past by a chance event, a smell, a photo. But you savour best with someone who was also there, mainly because no one else gives a shit about your stupid slide show.

Whilst the America holiday - complete with the hilarious purple pt cruiser convertible the hire company lumbered us with - is still great to think back on, it's now eternally tinged with sorrow.

It's just such a shame that the act of savouring can sometimes be cut short, because the person you experienced it with has now gone from your life forever.

Friday, 15 June 2007

My Gay Top 5

So further to the commenting, here is my Gay Top 5:

5. Robbie Williams - the arrogance, the insecurity, the tats, sing me Angels baby and I'm yours

4. Larry David - the humour, obv, but also something about the begging, the ineptitude, the desperation. It would be a pity shag to be honest, and nothing wrong with that either.

3. Is it wrong to say Rafa Benitez, manager of Liverpool Football Club? I just love the way he said he couldn't understand his daughters any more because they had Scouse accents! Oh, that made me melt. I love him, you see.

2. Ralph Fiennes - look don't blame me, I just saw something about him in that Schindler's List, I WAS EMOTIONAL DAMMIT, AND CONFUSED.

1. Nasser Hussain - former England cricket captain. This one's a keeper ladies, hands off. I love this man in normal life, i.e. even when not doing gay posts. His big proud nose, his stand against Mugabe, his sensible cricket commentary.

Work drinks

Amongst all the tossers - those people who actually talk about consultancy as though it actually means anything, does anything, helps anyone, changes anything - I work with some really good people.

In particular, good to see D and G this evening; not Dolce and Gabbana now you mention it, but there are similarities.

Tomorrow we garden for charity, me with D, and also J and N who are simultaneously scary yet foxy, and I am looking forward to it. There will be power tools.

God, you look ravishing today.

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

My New Trainers

All Hail my new trainers!

Come and gather in your towns and in your villages, come and behold their shiny goodness!

I may encase them in special perspex, and invite the poor round to marvel at them, like silver deities!

Or I may take them to bed with me right now and share some tender moments, just the 3 of us.

If it was 1986 I would wear them to the Police Disco and Claire Williams would DEFINITELY fancy me this time instead of just sending me a Christmas card and going out with that lad with the Ford Capri instead. Oh yes! She could not RESIST the new trainers!

I have just been for my first ever run in them and oh but they are lovely. They soothed my feet as I glided (glid?) along the path, like a lemur on ice.

I love you all like tiny baby Panda bears.

Tuesday, 12 June 2007


My guilty confession is that I have taken to watching the quite abysmal US drama 'What about Brian'.

It seems that after 35 years, all that time spent in education and management consultancy - not to mention all those swimming badges - my taste in TV extends to watching very, very good looking people speak in cliches to each other.

I love it and I don't care who knows.

Oh - and there's no WAY Marjorie should marry Adam.

Monday, 11 June 2007

Our new Olympic logo

Proud statement of a new and modern Britain, or Lisa Simpson giving head?

I must say, I don't really care.

Saturday, 9 June 2007


that last post has really cheered me up!

HI: 7.5
DI: 0

Saddest songs

Daniel has been speculating on the saddest moments in songs.

The following list compiled the 25 saddest songs in the whole wide world. However, this is a little suspect as it includes Everybody Hurts, whose central premise surely is one of hope?

I need songs without hope I'm afraid. As George Costanza once said it's the hope that kills me - hopelessness is my only hope.

So, my top 10 songs of sheer heartbreak and despair are as follows:

10. For no one - The Beatles (..and in her eyes you see nothing)
9. Dry your eyes - The Streets (Try and pull her close out of bare desperation)
8. Father and Son - Cat Stevems (I know, I have to go)
7. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley ('s a cold and broken hallelujah)
6. The River - Bruce Springsteen (I act like I don't remember, Mary acts like she don't care)
5. You're the one - Kate Bush (..there's just one're the only one I want)
4. Accidental Babies - Damien Rice (Is he dark enough? enough to see your light?)
3. Burn - Ray La Montagne (..and I will stand here, and burn in my skin)
2. No Surprises - Radiohead (a heart that's full up like a landfill..)
1. Hurt - Johnny Cash (I hurt myself today...)

Thursday, 7 June 2007


One of the things I'd forgotten about work is how knackering it is. That's it really. I think it's the travelling bit. I don't really know why we bother. Can't we all just have a nice sit down and a cup of tea? Perhaps some jam on toast.

Ooh, toast.

Sunday, 3 June 2007

Alphagel, Alphamale

I don't use soap or shaving cream to shave, oh no, but 'Alphagel'. Alphagel is not even gel to be honest, but 'Shaving software' with 'shave surface enhancing technology'. Yesiree Bob.

This is matched by my shower gel which is called 'activeSHOWER' which has been 'developed with athletes'. Opposed to, presumably, developing it with the infirm, the crippled or those with smelly discharges.

My deodorant has been changed recently from 'Right Guard' to 'Sure for Men'. Fortunately, Sure for Men has been 'designed to meet the demands of a male body'. Which is nice, because apart from a good run, hot showers, teeth cleaning and the occasional glimpse of nipple, I didn't think my body had that many demands.

However, when I was in the gym today I noticed what the effect of this macho set of responses to the demands of my male body had produced:

I smelt a bit like a packet of Refreshers.