Monday, 30 July 2007

Wife material

What is wife material would you say? I mean, husband material is clearly gore tex. It's reliable, hard wearing and will keep you safe and dry - every girl's dream.

But wife material? Silk would be nice, and if it was socially acceptable I would wear silk underwear every day. Costanza would wear only velvet and I can see his point. But both are unsuitable as a wife material. It's the equivalent of marrying a glamour model; great to begin with but ultimately it can never work.

Lycra? Too scary. Wool? Too right wing. Hemp? Too left wing. Cotton? Maybe... yes, I could marry cotton. Or linen, could that work?

But what about these new hybrid materials as a wife material?

To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld when describing his shirt: "Half silk, half cotton, half linen, how can you go wrong?"


Well, I don't really talk about dates, but given that I've been so stupidly busy for so long that's mainly because I haven't actually been on one. In fact I have barely been out let alone spoken to GIRLS, so I may as well celebrate the fact that I have finally been on a date. ** rapturous applause ** Yes, I thank you, I thank you!

And it was actually quite good! She cooked me swordfish, we drank champagne (3 bottles, ouch) and she looked like a bit like Juliette Binoche! In fact by the end she looked a LOT like Juliette Binoche.

Sadly I think she is utterly insane, so perhaps not wife material, but then I only ever wear blue shirts and the other day I bought a CHOCOLATE one, so you never know what might happen.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Books innit

I am generally writing about this sort of thing elsewhere, so we don't get all bogged down (blogged down*?) with anything that might be remotely serious, interesting or useful.

But I am reading Bear Hunt by Malcolm Mclean. If you're wondering about your career it's definitely worth a read. As is How to find the work you love by Laurence Boldt.

In case I am sounding a bit self help-y here, as though I might suggest some healing crystals next up, I have just started reading Kite Runner by Khalid Hosseini, which already has me gripped!

* oh the hilarity

My Days

Yes, I am blogging less frequently than before. If it's any consolation, I am really quite busy. I think everyone is busy actually. But I am not sure I have stopped for a while, apart from getting hammered last Saturday night and then lying on the sofa on Sunday trying to read the sports pages but not managing.

My days look like this:

Tube 7:15 to Richmond answering e-mails on my stupid PDA thingy
Large cups of tea
Do work stuff
Watch small children fall off bikes on hill
Some form of useless meeting
Note attractive jogger running along river
More work stuff over lunch
Figthing off post lunch work malaise with more work
Probably another meeting about someone who wants something
Wonder if am doing the right thing
Know am doing right thing when someone uses words 'business process outsourcing'
7pm tube
Home at about 8pm - immediate run
Dinner at 9pm - usually with Big Brother on (SORRY)
Psychology work
Bed at midnight

and repeat

One day a historian may read this and publish it and the world will chorus in unison: 'Tit'

Friday, 20 July 2007

Indian Predictions

This series is really hard to predict.

Two sides, both strong in bowling and, with injuries affecting both sides, poor bowling. Therefore on the face of it quite evenly matched.

I am going to go for a draw at Lords, an England win at Trent Bridge and another draw at the Oval. 1-0 England.

Monty will narrowly be England's leading wicket taker, followed by Sidebottom.
Can't look beyond KP for run scorer, even if he is 'tired' followed by Vaughan.

We'll get murdered in the one dayers, natch.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

The Hill

I work overlooking the river at Richmond. It is beautiful. In front of the river is a short, sharp hill and for weeks now I have watched people go up and down it. Mainly on bikes.

All of humanity - its contrasts and its similarities, its triumphs and its failures - is here.

There are those who attack the hill and cruise up, and those who stay one paced and can barely rotate the pedal by the top. Those who get off and walk. Yesterday there was a baby who rhythmically hit his head on his baby seat as his Father vigorously rotated the pedals. He didn't seem to mind.

Today there were two men who walked down the hill together. Both had walking difficulties. They walked down so slowly and carefully, hand clasped in hand.

A moment of quiet dignity, unnoticed as the world rushed by.

Monday, 16 July 2007

Metaphor teasing

I have, like you, noticed the common habit of saying 'like' in the middle of sentences and then not actually saying what it actually is like.

Now, I am someone that really likes a good metaphor and rejoices in the tickle of a fine simile. I love them like I love bathing in asp's milk whilst reciting the poetry of Robert Browning with saucy Peruvian handmaidens exfoliating my nose.

So I constantly find myself teased by people and their wanton use of 'like' without the glorious orgasm of the metaphor. 'It's like, like, like' WHAT WOMAN? (it's always women come to think of it).

Stop your teasing and tell me what it IS like before I explode.

Saturday, 14 July 2007

Happiness is...

Interesting comments about 'happy' songs. I know they're not 'traditional' happy songs, but I may as well have given in and had a top 5 of:

5. Don't worry be happy - Bobby McFerry
4. I wish I could fly - Keith Harris and Orville
3. Lovely Day - Bill Withers
2. Walking on sunshine - KC and the sunshine band
1. Happy talk - Captain Sensible

For me, I need to have happiness which acknowledges sadness in some way. I need something which surpasses a feeling of simple 'well-being' and tackles some of life's ups and downs, so that it doesn't become a sort of hedonic, sugary delusion.

That's why 'How to disappear completely' really is about happiness. But it is a transcendent sort of happiness, like seeing yourself from above, or being completely absorbed in a task other than yourself (flow). Try running to it. Or 'Everloving' by Moby.

Happiness is about finding meaning and purpose. Happy songs can be fine for a while, but they soon make me feel sick.

Mind you, I do like Dodgy....can I have 'In a Room' though??

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Happy Songs

I was challenged to counter my list of sad songs with a list of "happy or romantic" songs.

Whilst, clearly, the romantic list is beyond me (one step at a time Z!), here goes with my attempt at happy songs.

Again, definition is key. The song must be about happiness (which includes any of its variants e.g. joy, excitement, seeing a girl and going phwoar), but it must also invoke feelings of happiness in me. (It's always about me isn't it?) Both scored out of 10.

11. I wanna hold your hand - the Beatles (7 / 6)
10. I bet you look good on the dance floor - Arctic Monkeys (6 / 8)
9. Daydream believer - Monkees(6 / 8)
8. Teenage kicks - Buzzcocks (7 / 7)
7. Man on the moon - REM (7 / 8)
6. How to disappear completely - Radiohead (7 / 8)
5. You'll never walk alone - The Kop Choir (7 / 9)
4. The sick bed of Culchulainn - The Pogues (7 / 9)
3. If I ever leave this world alive - Flogging Molly (7 / 10)
2. Ain't got no (I got life) - Nina Simone(9 / 9)
1. Amazing Grace - Various (10 / 9)

What do you think of THAT then??

Monday, 9 July 2007


So I was on the telly tonight. I looked like a right tit! It reminds me of the review in The Times when it came out. This idiot TV reviewer called me - in a new low in my life - "a gentle Sloane".

Cool doggie though!

Saturday, 7 July 2007


Don't think I haven't noticed how fun smoking suddenly seems. Suddenly, all the smokers can go outside and they have an instant excuse to chat up fellow smokers - and this they are doing. This is apparently known as smirting, and is the best reason to start smoking I have yet come across.

So, I may start with some hypnosis to get over my initial fears of smoking.

I may then move onto those patches to try and wean myself onto the nicoteine.

Finally, I may start smoking those sweet cigarettes which you can eat, so that I create a cognitive pattern for my brain to follow and begin to practice my smoking style.

With the help and support of friends and family, I hope to take on this blessed addiction - but please bear with me if I seem a bit short tempered over the next few weeks.

Friday, 6 July 2007


Went to party after going on this brilliant course at work. Got a bit drunk. Did some of my famous anti-flirting (TM), although on the bright side the girl did say I had a very soft jumper.

Which on reflection, I do.

Wednesday, 4 July 2007


Dan makes a good point about the BBC and Alan Johnston. Yes, I too think they abused their power a bit, but it's still a good news story, that's all really.

The Beeb's bias does annoy me sometimes but then I get distracted by The Apprentice and forget all about it.

ps. I've been watching All About Brian again, and I feel like an old man with a dirty little habit perhaps, or someone on the margins of society, cast out into the wilderness because of my unconventional beliefs.

Thank God

Not that I believe in God, but none of the alternatives have such a catchy ring to them.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007


So, I am 35 years old, and no longer really dance because I prefer to go places where you can 'hear yourself think'. I love a cup of tea and a good sit down on a Friday night, so that I feel great for the weekend. Let's face it, I am no one's idea of Pete Doherty, even though I once made Naomi Campbell laugh outside his house.

So, the question is, should I be joining Facebook?

People ask me to join, but if I do is it the equivalent of inviting your Dad along to a nightclub? Will I be wearing online corduroy? Moreover, will MI5 start some sort of file on me?